If you live to be a hundred
- You may meet a man named Max;
- Quite possibly your uncle
- Or the man who does your tax.
-
- But the chances are unlikely
- You'll meet another Max;
- They're a novelty, like Spike Lee,
- Compared to Bobs and Toms and Jacks.
-
- So then, how come every movie,
- Whatever else it lacks,
- Is sure to have, right in your face,
- A character called Max?
-
- No, I'm not making this stuff up.
- These simply are the facts.
- But what's the explanation
- For this big-screen fascination
- With the moniker of Max/
-
- The reason, simply stated, is
- Most films are made by hacks
- Whose idea of clever scripting
- Is to name somebody Max.
-
- You can almost hear them plotting it
- In their rumpled writers' shacks:
- "This'll really break 'em up!
- "They'll make wee-wee in their slacks!
- "They'll be rolling in the aisles!
- "We'll give 'em cardiacs!
- "Cardiacs, my tush!
- "We'll give 'em heart attacks!
- "And they'll really toss their cookies
- "When they learn his name is Max!"
-
- Fellas, we got news for you.
- Creative work is hard to do.
- It has broken many backs.
-
- We're tired of the cliche plots,
- The formulas, the easy shots.
- The worn-out artifacts.
- Originality
- Breeds comedy,
- Not a character named Max.
- And folks, if you're watching late at night
- Like most insomniacs
- And on the screen
- There comes a scene
- With a character named Max
- Don't stretch out and relax
-
- Take control--the remote that is--
- And give it several whacks.
- You're bound to find a decent film
- With no character named Max.
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